What is it?

A new and better way to experience the “Dive Into” empire! For only a few cents a day, you get fast, uncluttered access to your favorite “Dive Into” sites, with premium features available only to subscribers.

Sign up now and get:

How much does it cost?

Dive Into Premium costs $40 per year, or only $4 per month. That’s less than $1 per week (except in February, when it’s exactly $1 per week, except in leap years, when it’s less than $1 per week again). That’s less than a pack of cigarettes, and far more addicting… I mean satisfying. Far more satisfying.

Plus, if you act right now, I’ll throw in, absolutely free, a signed 8 1/2 by 11 photograph of me. Me, baby. That’s right, me. Laminate it and sell it on eBay in 50 years for millions! (Note: actual selling price is not guaranteed.)

How does it work?

Once you’ve signed up for an account, you log in with your name and password. Now you have instant access to all premium features on all the “Dive Into” sites, no matter where you are.

Can I access Dive Into Premium from more than one computer?

The basic subscription is limited to one computer per subscriber. Access to premium “Dive Into” features from a second computer requires a “mobile subscription”, for an additional $10 per year, or $1 per month. So when I said “no matter where you are”, I really meant “no matter where you are, as long as you tote your damn laptop with you wherever you go, and never upgrade it or change its hardware configuration, and God help you if it crashes, because that’ll require a call to tech support, and I’m tech support, and I hate tech support, so don’t hold your breath, mmkay”. Oh, and don’t even try accessing it under a virtual machine or spoofing your MAC address, I’m keen to you damn freeloading hackers, and it won’t work.)

Do you offer a free trial?

No. You can still browse the existing “Dive Into” empire for free, so you can get a good idea of what I offer. You can sign up on a monthly basis, however, if you’re not ready to sign up for a full year.

If I cancel, do I get a partial refund?

You’re kidding, right?

Is my personal information secure?

Yes. I take great pains to protect your personal information. Literally. I hire ex-cons dressed in Klingon suits to watch over me whenever I connect to my subscriber database, with strict orders to hit me with pain sticks if I try to do something stupid.

Do you sell my personal information?

That would qualify as “something stupid”, and would hurt. (I hire only the best ex-cons.)

No, really, do you sell my personal information?

Absolutely not. That would be unethical.

I can’t believe you don’t sell my personal information.

Believe me, I don’t sell your personal information. However, I may occasionally, from time to time, very seldom really, once in a blue moon, under strict guidance from my astrological advisors and only to the extent permitted by law, trade it in exchange for sexual favors. But I’ll feel really, really guilty about it.

Why are you charging for something that was previously free?

I’m not! Everything that was previously free is still free. However, both the quality and quantity of new free stuff will naturally decline over time, since I don’t see why I should give a shit about all you fucking freeloaders. Er, I mean potential customers.

Everything on the Internet should be free. Isn’t this just another example of greedy commercialization?

Yes.

This sucks!

So do mortgage payments.

Note: this is a satire. None of it is true, except for the part about the mortgage payments.

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